The dreamer that I am, I wish that every blog post showcased the creative ideas I keep in my head but reality is that life these days leaves room for less of my own goals. When I first became a mom I felt like my previous self disappeared entirely. I was confused, wondering who I was supposed to be now that I was a mom. There were times I swayed intensely towards complete self-sacrifice and that left me very empty. That path leads to going through the motions. Truth is that becoming a mom was a wake-up call. This post is about me, but it is for all of us who dream.
Once Miles entered this world I felt like something was waiting for me but I did not know what that might be. I don't have a fancy new job or some impressive endeavor to share but I do have a renewed sense of purpose that is more true to the core of who I am. The part of myself that got lost in the shuffle of life long ago. My relentless pursuit to prove myself started the day I moved to Washington DC over seven years ago. Each time I met a goal, I strove further. This city sparked a passion that has never let me go. It was hard work, but it left me off balanced. Sure, I was no longer the unmotivated me that got by through much of college but the gaps where my true self was to fill were instead taken up with the ways of what was around me. My external locus of control allowed me to all too easily settle for blending in, even to wearing clothes I did not truly love and interests that ran dry.
Growing up in Florida I was outside all day and night. Sandy toes and Jack Johnson always playing, complete with driving in my Jeep past the Everglades on the daily. DC was a huge adjustment and I have since always missed the carefree side of myself. Being a mother has brought me full circle to the me that doesn't mind if I look messy or my clothes run more flowy than my fellow Washingtonians. I am me. I like carefree. I like not wearing business casual on the weekends. :)
I read earlier this week from Phoebe of Honestly, Though a most outstanding reminder: that our first photo/video/blog post/novel/whatever will not be perfect. Do it anyway. I keep waiting to find the perfect niche where my lifestyle fits into this blogging world but I can't put my finger on it. So I wait and make excuses. And I fret that I post too much of the same thing and not enough style. The hesitation leads to not doing anything at all. When I applied to an opportunity to work in Tokyo and did not get it, I let that be an excuse to give up on my dream. It stung to miss out and I doubted my abilities.
No longer will I wilt under this self-created pressure. I have a voice and it should exist outside of my own head.
For awhile I have been aggressively studying Japanese again in my free time. One day I want to wake up in Japan with my family and call it home for awhile (even if only briefly).
All of the "random stuff" that is actually the stuff of my life right now that sits on my phone and doesn't get shared...I'm going to share it anyway. My dream for this blog was never to turn a profit. It was to share my voice and creativity through style, photography, writing, and public speaking. To do that, I need to show up and let myself to be heard.
It is so easy for me to tell myself, eh, I'm a mom, I should focus on something else, shouldn't I? Isn't there more to do around the house? Aren't these goals a bit far-fetched? Perhaps. But they are mine and the pleasure I have in pursuing them has given me such satisfaction. When we pursue what we dream of being or doing, we truly live.
wishing you joy in your journey (and thank you for following mine!)
kristen
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